Harry Potter and the Taco of DOOM
by Caitlin-and-Emily
Summary: I'm not quite sure what the title has to do with the story at all, but there you have it. Follow the adventures of Harry as he transforms from the loveable selfsacrificing bluegreen eyed boy we all know to the sultry, moody, EMO!
1. the beginning

Just a note: Most of the funniest moment are taken from a song called "I Must Be Emo". If you haven't heard it, google the title and "stabby rib stab stab". Trust me, you'll find it. Just thought I'd make that clear. :)

Dear Diary,

It is I, Harry Potter. My day was terrible. First Hermione and Ron had too much SEXUAL TENSION to pay attention to me, Ginny turned into a really hot whore after I dumped her, and worst of all, I couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thing like that guy in that one band can do. You know?

I'm giving serious consideration to being emo. I've googled it quite a few times, and frankly, it seems like such a good idea. You know, if Draco dyed his hair black and started cutting, he would look so cu… EVIL! Of course, evil. That's what I said. Nothing more than enemies. Period, end of sentence, enemies.

My scar looked particularly pointy today. This new face cream is doing wonders for my complexion. Now I have to go to that one class and look mopey. Maybe I'll fall on the floor and twitch, just to freak the hell out of Ron. Why is it so fun to tease him?

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

Got in trouble with Ginny today. She found me stealing her mascara and eyeliner again. Must remember to be more discreet next time. On the other hand, rushing to get it on DID give me that "I-look-dead-and-mopey" vibe I've been going for lately. I did some research, and found out that cutting is a very emo thing to do. I was gonna… but I got scared and started crying. That emo though, isn't it? So instead I put big red marker slashes on my arms. It looks very nice with my long black robe. Its really swishing. I feel PRETTY, OH SO PRETTY, I FEEL PRETTY AND WITTY AND… I mean, um… Shut up.

I started listening to Evanescence. They really seem to understand me, you know? Just because they wrote these lyrics thousands of miles away and years before I became emo, they know EXACTLY how I feel at this exact moment in life. Wow, that was deep. Maybe I should start playing guitar. I could write mopey suicidal love songs too. Guys dig that kind of thing. I mean, girls! Girls with their girly parts and hott girly bodies. Absolutely am a ladies man, 100 NOT gay. Period.

Well, I should go to the Owlery now, I have a few things from Hot Topic I need shipped out here immediately. Like those black wrist bands to cover my 'cuts' that I don't have. I am so emo.

Harry Potter

AUTHORS NOTE:

Okay so this is the beginning of H-emo Potter. If you were in any way, shape, or form offended by this, please feel free to complain loudly to your nearest wall, for it will care much more than I. And if you or someone you know is an emo, please, call this number. It is a problem, and the first step to recovering is admitting that you have a problem. 1-800-EMO-TEAR. Thank you for your time.


	2. Tight Pants & Black Nail Polish

Welcome now to the second installment of "Harry Potter and the Tacco of DOOM". Please, fasten all safety devices and make sure your luggage is secured.

Dear Diary,

Got a detention today. Stupid Filch. Just because I may or may not have been disobeying the dress code. But come on, these new "super-ultra-lowrise made especially for girls (but metro guys too I guess) flare" jeans look amazing! My ass looks great... I mean, it lifts AND seperates!I've been told to stop wearing them, because I'm making the teachers uncomfortable. Except for Professor Snape for some resaon... He keeps me after class every day now and make me bend over and clean the floor. Hhmm, he sure is weird. In a "crazy-but-still-kinda-weirdly-hott" way. I mean... um, HE'S EVIL. PURE EVIL. And he got his hair to do that one flippy thing. Must steal his styling gel.

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

My wrist bands finally came in! Along with the "I'm-dead-and-dreary-my-life-is-a-black-hole" black nail polish I wanted. But nobody was paying attention to me in Herbology, so I started ranting about how I was destined to kill Voldemort, and how he took my parents and those closest to me. I think I may have even started crying. I am so good.

Hermione told me I looked really pale and skinny today. I'm really excited, not eating has begun to give me the the girly figure I've always wished for! I actually COUNTED my calories this week. 7. I was hoping for five, but that cracker was just so good! Maybe now that I finally have the body I want, I can get a boyfr... girlfriend. Most definitely a GIRLfriend. As in GIRL. As in annoyingly-perky-only-wears-pink-OMGTHATISTOOOOOCUTE type of girl. Nothing that resembles a man in any way, shape, or form. Ahem. Must go make lame excuses at dinner.

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

After dinner, I overheard some people talking about something called 'MySpace'. What is this 'MySpace'? I'm not really sure yet but it sounds like a good place to express myself and show people just how different I am from everyone else. I'll have to check that out later.

Ron thinks I stole his eyeliner. And he's being pissy about it. Why would I want Ron's eyeliner? It isn't even the "blacker-than-black-I-am-so-depressed" color I use. Only Ginny has that color and she already yelled at me for taking her's. And now my "I'm-dead-and-dreary-my-life-is-a-black-hole" nail polish is chipping. The world hates me. I need to go cry and try to look more depressed.

Harry Potter


	3. Cold Oatmeal

Hello and welcome to the next installment of Harry Potter and the Taco of Doom. Please, turn off all cell phones and pagers and take noisy children to the lobby. Thank you for your time, and enjoy the show…

Dear Diary,

Today at breakfast Ron was still being pissy about his eyeliner. He refuses to believe that Crookshanks took it. He says that cats don't use eyeliner, but he doesn't seem to notice that Crookshank's eyes seem to be darker. Ugh. Whatever. I started crying because my oatmeal was too cold, and ran upstairs to cut myself, though I still couldn't do it...So I used more red marker on my arm. It looks very real.

I wore my really-tight-pants-that-should-only-be-worn-by-a-girl again today. I looked very hott.Snape made me stay after class again today because I raised my hand too quickly in class. He had me bend over and clean the floor again. He sure is acting weird lately. Yesterday he told me I looked cute. Weird. But his hair gel is amazing. He has the best hair flippy thing at Hogwarts. Sigh. I have to go scrub the floor with a toothbrush for Snape again.

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

SUCCESS! I have finally stolen Snape's hair gel! YAY! I'm so happ...I mean...my life is a black abyss. No one understands me. CUT CUT CUT.

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

After class, McGonagall called me over after class and told me that I needed a haircut. I started to cry and ran to my room and listened to Evanescence for the next 2 hours. They're the only one's who understand me. I think I'm going to build a shrine to Amy Lee in my closet. McGonagall is trying to ruin my life. I need long hair if I ever want to achieve the advanced hair flippy-ness that Snape has. She just doesn'tunderstand. I'mean, how could this happen to me? I made my mistakes. I've nowhere to run, my life goes on, as I'm fadingaway.

I need more eyeliner. I don't look I'm-dead-and-dreary enough.

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

I have discovered that the pale, skinny I-play-gituarlook is really good for getting guys...i mean girls...definatly girls,to hang out with me. I rather like it.

I was talking to Cho earlier, asking her if I could borrow some of her jeans, and I saw Ron watching me from behind a statue. As soon as he saw me looking at him he ran away crying. He's been acting strange too lately. Whenever I spend too much time with Hermione or Snape, Ron seems to get mad at me. It makes things a bit awkward. And the black-as-my-soulnail polish hasen't come in yet. It makes me want to cry. But that's a very Emo thing right?

Harry Potter


	4. Chocolatey Goodness

Have no fear, Emo McEmoPants is here! Please keep all safty belts locked and remain seated in the vehicle.

Dear Diary,

My black-as-my-soul nail polish still hasn't come in yet. The world hates me. Ron's still acting weird. Yesterday, after dinner, I came upstairs to draw more red lines on my arms and I found Ron crying in his bed. He started yelling that I didn't understand him and ran out the door when I said hi. So weird. I think Hermione has figured out that the marks on my arm are just marker so tonight I'm going to make them look extra real. Now Hermione's threatining to stop my supply of eyeliner if I don't get downstairs. I have to go, I don't know what I'd do without my eyeliner.

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

I made my shrine to Amy Lee today. It is so amazing. After I finished it, I just sat there in my closet for 3 hours moping. Moping is an emo thing, right? Ugh. I think my black-as-my-soul nail polish came in today but Filch took it. I noticed his nails looking particularly black today after lunch. Ugh, why does the world hate me so much? I'm going to go back to my shrine and cry.

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

McGonagall forced me to get a haircut today... I want to die. I refused to leave my room all day, even when Hermione said she'd throw out all of the black eyeliner she has saved up for me. Now that hair gel I stole from Snape is useless!

Malfoy laughed at me as I was running back to my room after my traumatic experience that was a haircut. It's evil embodied in a pair of sissors. Malfoy's hair is so flippy and long. It's so unfair! Malfoy cuts himself for real. He is so cool, I wish I could have the courage to do that. And I think Snape is giving him secret hair flippy lessons. I want to cry. Sigh. Now Hermione is tempting me with freshly baked cookies. I will not give in to that temptress!

5 minutes later...

Dear Diary,

I gave in to the chocolate-y goodness that is a double chocolate chip cookie. It was just to chocolate-y! Sigh.

Harry Potter

* * *

A/N: I know it's been a while but alas, Emo Harry Potter is back. Rejoice. 

And review.


	5. MySpace & Goats

And the Emo Harry has returned once again. Please sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Today, after breakfast I got a chance to check out this 'MySpace' place I keep hearing about. I signed up and all I have to say is that I think I've found the place where I belong. I can express myself and be completely different from everyone else. I posted some very artistic photos of myself convieniently looking away from the camera. I think they make me look extra emo. It's so exciting! So far I only have two friends: Tom and someone with the name **::cOnFuSeD[[heartbreak[[::**. I'm not sure who they are because their pictures are so dark and mysterious. I want a cool name like **::cOnFuSeD[[heartbreak[[::**. Mine's just **Harry**. I can't think of anything cool. I'm so depressed and useless.

Hermione says she thinks MySpace is dumb. I yelled at her that she didn't understand me and ran up tp my shrine crying. She just doesn't get me. Sigh. I have Potions. I think I'll wear my incredibly tight not-girl jeans today. I wonder if Snape will have me stay after class again.

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

Snape had me stay after class. He said that I had breathed in too loudly. I had to clean the floor again. He kept standing behind me, watching me. I'm begining to wonder if Snape really needs his floor cleaned this much or if there is some other reason that he keeps me after class. I just can't think of a reason. Sigh.

I updated my MySpace page with a new layout. It's black. Oh so very emo, right? I also added Amy Lee as my profile song. I love her so much. SHE gets me.

Ron ran away from me crying again today when I handed Hermione a piece of cake at dinner. He keeps doing that. He's so weird. I think I'm going to go upstairs and try to experiment with my red marker some more. Hermione knows that the marks are only marker so I have to try really hard tonight to make them look extra real.

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

I found Malfoy's MySpace page last night. His name is **...misunderstood([...**. He has a good name AND he cuts himself for real. He is so cool. I think I'm going to try the name **X:::the scar left by you:::**. That's fitting right?

I've been getting visions lately. I keep seeing dark halls and starless nights. I told Hermione that I think it means I'm going to get a goat for Christmas. Dumbledores making me take classes with Snape. I don't see why we have to go through all this fuss for a goat. I don't mind getting a goat. Really.

I have my first lesson tonight. I really hope this dosen't mean that I won't get the goat.

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

My lesson with Snape was sooo pointless. He kept talking about penetrating something and knowing what goes on in my mind. I really wasn't listening because I noticed that Snape had a bottle of what looked like extreme-black-as-a-black-hole-in-the-dark nail polish on his desk. It's so unfair that Snape has such flippy hair AND the black nail polish. UGH. When I asked his about the nail polish he yelled at me and threw me out. I think he's jealous that I'm getting a goat.

Hermione was mad about my lesson when I got back to the common room and Ron was crying again. Hermione took away the eyeliner she had just given me this morning and now I don't have any. I still don't see why I can't have dreams that mean I'm getting a goat. No one understands me. Maybe I should start writing poetry. I need to express my feelings and no one listens to me.

I'm going to my shrine.

Harry Potter

**Read Bulletin **

**From:** **X:::the scar left by you::: **

**Date: ** Dec 12 1:23 AM

**Subject:** Nobody...

**Body: **

Alas, here at this end I stand,

As I eat the hand.

Anon, anon,

How can I go on?

Moo says the chicken.

Peas.

Rose loses its pedal in the snow.

I wade in the murky water of doubt.

Et tu Brute?

Goats.

Goat. Goat-y goat.

Where art thou my fair dear?

Where have all the good men gone?

I need a hero.

Winter has killed everything.

And although its dark December,

I'll remember sun.

Here at the end,

Nail polish.

**Reply to Bulletin ----------Delete from Friends**

* * *

Ok. Sorry it's been so long. Been busy. I hope you like it. If not, too bad. Deal. But still review:D

And once again, if you are offended... rant to the lamp next to the computer. It will help.**  
**


	6. The Infamous Piece of Toast

Here we go again... yet another part of the saga that is emo Harry Potter.

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Got another detention today. Umbridge hates me. Life is soooo unfair. I think she's just jealous of my mopey-ness. She started ranting about my long hair even though McGonagall just made me get it cut. If it gets any shorter I won't ever to do the awesome hair flippy thing of awesomness and never be equal to Malfoy! I left her room crying for good measure and was heading to my shrine but Hermione cornered me on the way there. She's still mad about my lessons with Snape and thinks I should go back. I really don't want to. I'm afraid any more classes and I won't be able to get my goat! Uggg.

I have to go post a blog on MySpace about my horrible life and my lack of really-black-blacker-than-the-hole-in-my-heart nail polish. That sounds emo enough, right?

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

So **::cOnFuSeD[[heartbreak[[::** left me a comment to my mopey blog on MySpace. It was the lyrics to My Immortal. That's my favorite song by Amy Lee! How could anyone know that? The only person I've told is Ron. Odd...

I had another dream full of black halls and starless nights. Now I'm really convinced that I'm getting a goat for Christmas. Hermione still thinks that that's stupid. She's just jealous that I'm getting a goat and she's not. She still won't give me back any of the eyeliner she took from me. I tried to steal Ginny's again but she wouldn't let me have any either. Why does no one understand me?!I think Hermione gave all of my eyeliner to Filch. His eyes have been looking particularly dark and mysterious lately. Sigh. My life is black. Anon.

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

I failed in trying to steal my eyeliner back from Filch. Now I have another detention. My life hates me. My black-as-my-soul nail polish still hasn't come in. I really think that Filch took that too.

Today at breakfast I handed Hermione a piece of toast and Ron started crying again and ran away. He's so weird. When I got back to the common room after lunch Ron was huddled in a corner just staring at me. Creeepy.Anyway, I wore the tight-pants-that-only-skinny-girls-should-wear pants that I borrowed from Cho the other day. I think I looked particularly girly today. It made up for the lack of eyeliner, but not the nail polish. And I still need to master Malfoy's awesome hair flip of wonder and awe.

Hermione just said that she'll give me back some of my eyeliner if I stop talking about getting a goat. I really don't get why she has so much against goats. Really.

Harry Potter

* * *

A/N: Yet another installment of Emo Harry Potter. Be happy. Enjoy. 

And again, review.


	7. A Sparkly Feather Boa

Guess who's back? Back again? Emo's back, tell a friend...

Enjoy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Alas!! It is Christmas break! The dreams about the dark hallways and bright lights are happening a lot more. My goat is definately coming soon! Hermione still thinks its stupid and that my dreams have some deep dark secret meaning that should be looked into. I think she's mad because she gave me my eyeliner back and I am still convinced I'm getting a goat. I just know that I am!

Today I wore my tighter-than-girls-pants-should-ever-be jeans and Snape made me stay after class and clean the floor again. He keeps doing that. Anyway, as the rest of the class was leaving I saw Malfoy look back at me. He is totally jealous of my pants! He can never get to my level of tight pants! Whoo hoo! ....I mean....... life is black. His hair still does the marvelous hair flippy-thing of amazingness to an extent that I will never achieve! Alas, my hair hates me. And I still think Filtch has my nail polish.

Maybe I should write poetry full of angst and woe to truly express the deep dark hole in my life. Or maybe I'll just go make a bed for my goat.

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

I saw Malfoy in the Great Hall today and he had on a pair of so-tight-there-must-be-no-circulation-in-his-legs jeans today!!! He beat me again! My life fails. Black abyss. Darkness. Etc. Ugh. I just can't ever be as cool as Malfoy! How is he so cool?!?! No fair!

Ron was acting really weird again today. He saw me having a tantrum about Malfoy's jeans in the common room and started crying and yelling about how I need to pay more attention to other people's feelings and ran off. I really don't know what his issue is. Hermione says I need to be more supportive of him. I think she's being stupid. She doesn't care about me. No one cares! I need my shrine. Now she is yelling at me because I called her stupid. She needs to get over it. I think she should stop being so bossy. Now she hit me for calling her bossy. Ow.

2 minutes later...

Hermione just took my eyeliner again. All because I called her mean and bossy and annoying and stupid. I don't see what her problem is. She just doesn't understand my deep dark soul. I think she's on her way to my room to take my pants back that I "borrowed" from her a month ago. SHE WILL NOT SUCCEED!!!

5 minutes later...

Hermione took her pants back. I just can't win! I need more marker on my arm... Make it took extra real. Alas.

Harry Potter

Dear Diary,

I had another dream! This one was really real and filled with more dark halls and sparkly lights. I think there was a snake..or maybe it was a feather boa.... I think it was the boa. That means that my goat is coming tomorrow!! I just know it! I ran over to Ron's bed to wake him up and tell him my goat is coming soon and he screamed, which brought Hermione in thinking it was Ginny. So I told Hermione about my dream and the boa and that I think it means my goat is coming tomorrow. Hermione freaked out for a second and insisted that we go tell Dumbledore. I told her that I didn't want to wake him up untill I actually had my goat, but Hermione still seems to think that the dream means that I was a snake and ate Ron's dad. I still think she's jealous that I'm getting the goat and she still hasn't gotten one.

I found my nail polish! It had been under my bed the whole time! Today is awesome! I got my nail polish and my goat is coming tomorrow! But Hermione won't shut up about going to get Dumbledore. She just threatened to take the nail polish if I didn't go with her. Ugh. Shes being bossy again. I don't see why we have to go without the goat.

10 minutes later...

Runnnnig to[ Dumbl3dir;s oficce... hrrd 2 rite... herrmoin i bosssy agin. A]ass,

5 mintues later...

Everyone is freaking out about this goat! I told Hermione we should have waited to tell Dumbledore till morning. It's just a goat. She is so jealous. Finally! Success! Now Dumbledore just looked at me and I felt weird. He has my goat! I know it! This is it!! GOAT!!!

Harry Potter

* * *

Note: Its been a while but Emo Harry Potter is back. Rejoice and be glad! Reviewing would be fantastic but you know, if you want to be mean, whatever, we'll just hate you. No big.

And again, if offended, deal. Or yell profusely at your computer, it seems to help sometimes. Alas, review!

Merci.


End file.
